i go to a parenting class for parents of neurodivergent kids. the other parents are all neurotypical.

holy fuck is it a nightmare

i started by trying to empathize with these parents, to some degree. they truly do not understand how their child's brains are wired. and that feels horrible. to feel that disconnected and dissonant with your own kid is painful.

this empathy got me through the first half hour. the remaining 7.5 hours have been slow torment and me learning to control my facial reactions.

"how do i get my son to make eye contact?" you don't

"how can i get my daughter to not repeat the same things she's already said over and over again?" you don't

"how can I get my son to stop telling me about something i don't find interesting?" you don't

"how do I stop feeling guilty about giving my kid adhd?" holy shit get some fucking therapy

@gintoxicating
any advice on how to get the “you dont” message across effectively? this one’s vaguely planning a talk on how to avoid certain fuck ups in parenting neurodiverse children and needs some advice on how to effectively say that 365 times without irritating the neurodiverse creatures in the room

@gintoxicating They can’t get therapy themselves because that would mean admitting to themselves that their brains aren’t perfect.

@gintoxicating
"how can I get my son to stop telling me about something i don't find interesting?" What???? Why even become a parent then? Like the point of creating a human being is that you're creating a human being, with like interests and stuff. I don't get how people think of making a child like you're creating a homunculus-style clone of yourself with all your same likes and dislikes.

@memdmp i think it depends a ton on the audience and where they are emotionally with their child’s differences.

One thing i wish got emphasized is how fucking awesome neurodivergent people are. How every “difference” is usually some amazing thing that is only debilitating because the world is built to be hostile to their needs. That if they could “fix” their kid, they would be left with a stranger. I have wanted to say things along these lines but know they won’t be heard by the folks in this class (the mom blaming herself for cursing her child with ADHD is very much a real thing that happened)

Perhaps more productively is to encourage them to remember their kids brain works differently and in ways that are incredibly counterintuitive to an NT parent (especially if they have raised other kids who are NT).

An example is in a parents email list at work a parent was like “my two adhd kids always fight in the morning! I tried (bunch of stuff), playing soothing music, …”

So I kinda just explained (I used more words and clarified everyone’s different but summarize here) “daily routines are mind numbingly awful for ppl with adhd. It’s the morning and you gotta do this thing you do EVERY DAY THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And now you’re playing classical music too.” I suggested trying something more active/faster, that could sort of “catch” their attention during the mundane morning life.

There are a lot of things like that, that could be helpful: adhd and autistic brains get stuck or focused on things; paying attention looks REALLY DIFFERENT (I cannot pay attention if I’m making eye contact for example, so me staring off is me PAYING ATTENTION); repetition can be super comforting; etc etc etc

But the biggest thing is probably that they should love their child for who they are, make sure they know their differences are what make them who they are, and that they never need to be ashamed of them. At least giving them the space to be truly themselves at home is such a huge thing. IMO not having this is why sometimes we lose track of who we are beneath the masks we are forced to wear.

Anyway that was long sorry

@AppleAmps @gintoxicating It could open a conversation of teaching kids to read the room so they don’t grow up to be reply guys or only talk about themselves on dates, but it sounds like these parents have more selfish motives.

@Vorsos @AppleAmps kinda-yes. I didn't mention it in the original post but this was a class for kids around 10 years, which is (imo) probably too early for that kind of lesson. Let them be themselves because this is when they get to find out who that is!

At some point (my kid is only 10 so I haven't felt out when yet tbh) they do need to learn about the social expectations other folks will have... but I'm still worried at her age she will internalize this as her behavior being wrong and I really, really want to avoid that.

I think specifically with dates and direct social settings (not reply-guy land), ND folks will find their people and those people understand. So, so many of the people I know understand an infodump is very often a sign of closeness and love. Our conversation patterns are different, but we usually understand each other enough that it's safe to be ourselves without the other person finding it selfish or self-absorbed. Or at least go in willing to understand those things to some degree.

It is tough though, and like I said I haven't yet really dug into that balancing act. I expect it will be very, very hard and I will learn a lot!

@gintoxicating @AppleAmps All great points. You’re far better suited for this work than I am.

I may have sounded like the onus is on NDs to be the best version of themselves to engage the world. I think NTs could put more effort into understanding and have flexible expectations. Living with ADHD has been an ongoing lesson for me, anyway.