Y’all, we have got to stop doing this. I’ve watched our community tear itself apart over and over again, for pretty much as long as I’ve been a part of it. Just about every week there’s a new story of someone leaving or stepping back because a fellow queer person went for their metaphorical throat. It’s a constant, universal, and actively growing problem. And it’s not just fedi - this happens on bluesky, discord, and even offline in physical spaces.

We are faced with ever-growing external threats, and yet our biggest obstacles are internal division and strife. There is no reason for us to have this problem. We could be working together, coordinating and supporting each other to fend off rising oppression and hate. But instead we’re attacking and hurting our own people. We’re doing the bigots’ work for them!

This is a strong community, and I know we can survive and thrive. But that’s only possible if we work together, and we can only do that if we treat each other with respect and kindness. The harassment has to stop. It has no place in our community, and it’s our responsibility to keep it out. Please, let’s make our community a welcoming place for everyone.

– Hazel

#Trans #TransCommunity #Transgender

@hazelnoot especially harassment of transfeminine people, because more often than not the throat in question is one of ours

@hazelnoot Ironically, I was just talking to my girlfriend about this today... and we should really be challenging the conformism, that is, pushing people to act and look a specific way. This is typically achieved through gender-affirming surgery and transitioning in general.

I'm not trying to downplay how it has helped some people, but pushing it onto others is not okay. People should be allowed to get gender-affirming surgery IF THEY CHOOSE to do so!! If a trans-man still wears skirts, why is that such a big deal?

For a movement that is about being inclusive and challenging gender norms, it sure isn't doing its job and is actually hurting instead of helping.

I see it similarly as makeup on women, which can be artistic and a form of self-expression... but it can also be done to please others, and I don't think that is a healthy mindset to have.

Again, I have no issue with people transitioning, I just don't think it's right for everyone, and that's okay!

#Queer #Gender #GenderPolitics #Feminism #Trans #TransCommunity #Transgender

@VerdaquillsDen oh, I didn’t even consider that connection! This ties in closely with the pointless discourse around GNC people, which has always annoyed me.

When I was first learning about trans people and the concept that “sex isn’t gender, gender isn’t presentation”, Gender Non-Conformance was brought up as just… a normal thing. Gender and Sex are different, therefore they don’t have to match. It wasn’t a problem, it wasn’t a discourse. The common attitude was a healthy understanding that a person’s desired appearance and gender can be different. Now it’s like, a whole thing. I saw a self-identified femboy get harassed for taking estrogen, all because he refused to identify as transfem. What the fuck! That’s the kind of stuff that transphobes would say, except it was coming from other trans people!

@hazelnoot I don’t know if this is more of a problem in Germany but I feel like this is problem in almost any left community these days. It’s also actively keeping me back from meeting new people because I am always scared I won’t be able to match their expectations

@hazelnoot Uhg. Yeah, I mean, there's a lot of internal drama within the community. I used to talk to a person who was very much staunchly "to be considered trans you have to have gender dysphoria".

It's honestly absurd to me... and exactly as you put it, "the kind of stuff that transphobes would say". I do not see myself as cis in the sense that I do not agree with all the baggage that comes with being a woman, and I don't necessarily like the word "woman" or "ladies". Of course, my family just sees me as a "tomboy" not trans because trans people suffer from gender dysphoria! 🙄

I can also say their sentiment might be laced with ableism and the idea that I'm just a confused autistic person. The only thing I'm confused about is why people make it such a big deal that I don't want to be a woman. 😔

I used to talk to a person who was very much staunchly “to be considered trans you have to have gender dysphoria”.

@VerdaquillsDen that’s the same exact attitude, if you think about it. Someone falls outside of the norm in some small way, and others use that as an opportunity to attack and ostracize them. It doesn’t matter if the difference is actually significant or not.

@YKantRachelRead @hazelnoot you're right. we must not let divide and conquer win. we're all one community. and we start off the unification and solidarity by singling out us transfems who are affected the most!!

do you realise what you're doing? <.< let's not do that please

@hazelnoot who’s this subposting?

@shroomie no one in particular, this is a common problem that I’ve seen dozens if not hundreds of times.

@hazelnoot we gotta find ways to handle conflict as a community

it's... a really difficult problem to solve

@hazelnoot I’m a trans woman. I whole-heatedly believe in both the fediverse and FOSS. I was a reddit refugee to Lemmy. I felt safe there for over a year. I got literally bullied out after making a lot of OC because the weirdos infiltrated even that space. And the kicker? It was primarily from an overall safe space for queer folk. It’s been a big leap for me to even join and post here. It sucks.

@hazelnoot
The Powers That Be want us fighting among ourselves. We can't let them win.

I have said this to @hazelnoot in a private conversation, but this needs to be seen by a wider audience:

As soon as an admin lets another user onto their instance, <b>the other user(s) has/have a say regarding federation and wider decision making</b> <i>as long as ground rules are not being violated</i>. Admins should also ground themselves every now and again to not let their ego of being an admin from grabbing hold of them. After all, <b>being an admin and being a part of a community’s staff is about service, not control</b>. I have seen many admins abuse their powers, and that ultimately leads to more drama and division among the trans and wider queer community.

– @Chishiki611

[ Tags for visibility: #Trans #Transgender #TransCommunity #Queer #Queers #QueerCommunity #FediAdmin #Moderation ]

@hazelnoot Fwiw, it's at least 30% of the reason I didn't come out until I was in my late 20s, because I felt far less supported by the people who would tolerate who I am. It caused me severe self-hatred for a long time, far more than hearing slurs.

I have been saying for years and years now. I have a stable and strong queer in-group that I consider my family, and among our ways:
1. You don't need 1,000 labels: Dividing ourselves into microscopic bins is divisive and I grew up in a place where I could get disappeared in the night for being me: I don't have the energy to walk on eggshells for you. I'm a fucking f-----t
2. People "crash out" all the time when they're stressed, that's fine. What's not fine is making yourself the center of the universe: that will lead to a social meltdown at scale every time. Everyone's working on that, it's hard not to be selfish sometimes, but it's not a virtue.

@hazelnoot

3. An absolute rejection of this culture of eating your own, policing your own, purity testing, as well as constant signalling out of desperation to remain accepted. It results in something that feels wildly inauthentic, as bad as it is in an intolerant house of worship where everyone's putting on an act of extreme piety. "None of your business" is a perfectly fine answer to personal prying, and you never ever have to sit and tolerate abuse.

And there's one more but it's for sure the most radioactive. It's related to the issue of consent and how the concept of consent is being eroded again at an absolutely alarming rate. However, for a certain set with PTSD, we have no choice but to keep this rule and go into hiding from yet other queers who see it as bad:

@hazelnoot
4. This combined with the image of gender and sexual orientation as being affirmed by constant haranguing about sex often results also in totally over the top hypersexual displays in public. These *are harmful* to some people with sexual trauma. queerness isn't about how much sex you want to have all the time! thinking of my ace family who feel legitimately harassed in most queer spaces. same with the "I'm getting you pregnant" shit on main. That's why FTMs often don't want to hang out, a lot of them are traumatized by obgyns that were harassing them about having babies when they were like 8 years old. it's real to them not a fetish they picked up. I am *not* saying that sex is something that should be covered up in shame or that it's vulgar. But I am saying that when certain people go on and on all day every day, it legitimately hurts some other people, it's not just your mean old dad who disapproves.

@hazelnoot There are people it scares because it triggers episodes. I know a trans girl who has to nope out to the other side of the country when people pull out the incest stuff because of traumatizing personal experiences.

Like... and I cannot stress this enough: the set going around and saying "haha grooming" and "grooming isn't real" and all this... you're either genuinely ignorant or you're doing that maliciously. I will charitably assume it's the former. But I am being incredibly real when I say, on behalf of all survivors, stop lying.

@hazelnoot The hardest bit is, I hold my own discomfort in for the sake of others, only to be cut down for example for using a word that shows I was born (well, well before) 9/11. You can't go around with knives like that when you can't even see yourself. I don't think it's because they're queer, I think it's because they didn't learn how to get along at home, and that's exactly why they came out so aggressively, to separate themselves from that broken home. But you bring all that stuff with you: it's more than outfit deep.

It's not a specific word that's problematic, it's a behavioral pattern of change in relations over time brought about bad faith and hate. A roiling sea of central figures and warring cliques. As long as you approach these things combatively and abusively owing to bad faith and hatred, you are just repeating the cycle in a different costume.

@hazelnoot the good ol’ divide and rule

@alice @hazelnoot The day they figure out this is being cultivated on purpose is they day they start putting a stop to it. Rule #1 from the OSS SSM to making sure nothing real ever comes to fruition: "Be as quarrelsome as possible."

quoted post is from an admin of one of the instances that fediblocked me over stupid drama

Wait it’s 4 months old, only saw it today boosted by someone

Anyway

@hazelnoot yeah this is a problem ive been on the receiving end of an upsetting number of times
One time i was called a psyop for being gnc. by a transwoman. inside of a discord for transfems.
Its not fun, i wish people were able to exist in solidarity